Due to events of late, I've been dwelling on my own age and mortality. Life really is short, and the age limit for people being old and worthless is lowering every day. The thought that keeps tickling the back of my mind is that if I don't meet the woman who's going to be my wife soon, I'll have very little to offer. Additionally, I'll be getting very little in return.
Still, I hold onto the hope that there's someone out there for everyone; that somewhere out there, there's a girl who finds my particular quirks and personality adorable, and my frame handsome. A girl who, for whatever reason, has lived the specific set of life experiences that has bred the specific set of mental problems that leads her to find me irresistible. I hope I get to meet this girl someday, really get to know her inside and out, and have us both realize beyond a shadow of a doubt that there's no one else in the entire world that we'd rather be with.
Then, I hope to God I have the strength to deny her all of that, and leave her forever.
(I told you that you weren't going to like this).
I've been in love before, several kinds. I've had the short but explosive affair fraught with drama, the relationship borne out of desperation, the long-term love that comes from deep within and looks past flaws. I've seen it all and one thing that remains constant (save for one instance) is that no good deed goes unpunished and loyalty is rarely if ever rewarded. The world's rules, not just the rules of girls, are specifically designed to make sure that good people with intelligence never win. They never get what they want. The shallow, the stupid, and the evil get what they want readily, and the smart and virtuous have to fight for every scrap of happiness.
I'm pushing thirty. The girls in my relative age range are as well. Aside from a couple of patches of companionship, I've been alone. I'm not complaining, merely illustrating that me and loneliness and solitude are best pals. We go way back. I've learned to deal, our fucked up society has forced me to adapt to it. So what the fuck would a girl, even the perfect girl, have to offer me at this point? Companionship? Companionship at this point would be more alien to me and require more work that simply doing what I've been doing for the better part of twenty years. Sex? Yes dream girl, please come and try and tempt me at the point in our lives when half our looks are gone and most of our prowess. Chances are, by the time she's my age, she's already fucked all the guys she's wanted and her fun time is over. Meanwhile, I've had to sit over here with nothing during my prime years, all because it probably took her the better part of fifteen years to figure out what was important. Love? Anyone who's not a retarded teenager knows that love is equal parts happiness and sorrow. It's not great fun times. It's not something to look forward to, it's something to dread. Children? Yeah fucking right. The less said about that the better.
So let's see here: All my best prospects at this point could offer is a rapidly deteriorating body, a lifetime of sacrifice, hard work and appeasement, really good friendship stapled onto furious torrents of sorrow, an added truckload of responsibilities, rugrats I wouldn't know what to do with, and a space-shuttle-sized pallet of letting down someone important to you and being let down yourself.
On the other hand, causing whoever she is to realize that she'll never truly be happy or get what she wants will get me something I've craved all my life: justice. Let me get this straight: Perfect girl gets to basically date whoever she wants whenever she wants, as do all girls who even look remotely good do; spends the better part of her life probably rewarding despicable and underhanded behavior of unworthy idiots with loyalty of both body and mind during the prime years of her life; chances are, along the way she'll even have rejected or ignored someone very like me; eventually, it comes back to bite her in the ass hard, and she learns a valuable lesson about what to actually look for in a guy; now that she's older and her looks don't quite work as hard for her as they once did, she decides to settle down and look for a guy who'll give her what she truly needs: stability, loyalty, sacrifice, and true companionship; not once during this whole life journey will she ever truly want for whatever it is she was craving at the time, at least not to any meaningful degree. She will never truly know long periods of loneliness, despair, uncertainty, unrequited desire, or hopelessness.
So basically, she gets everything she wants, and I get nothing I want, namely a normal young life filled with all the ups and downs everyone's supposed to experience, and I'm supposed to roll over and take that and be happy about it because that's how life works for guys like me. Oh how lucky I am to help her deal with the decades of mental problems other guys have caused her because of her initial terrible taste in guys. Fuck that shit. No, the scales will be balanced. Whoever she is right now, on her deathbed I want her to know the sting of the years that could have been experienced but were instead gobbled up by that ravenous monster we call time; I want her to know the deep, all encompassing despair of primal, basic desires never to be fulfilled. I want her daydreams of children and motherhood to be to wither and die. Most of all, I want her to close her eyes for the final time knowing deep down to her soul she was not nearly as happy as she could have been.
Once that happens I'll be able to die happily myself, knowing I've finally gotten something I've always wanted: equality. She will finally know what it's like to live as a nice, shy guy who has no chance to learn how to navigate the insane mental jungle gym and unwritten rule pop quiz girls have always required of guys just to get a little love and companionship.
Pretty irrational, emotional, hateful, and crazy right? I totally agree. Just following your lead girls. Welcome to your own medicine, enjoy your stay.
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2 comments:
Mmm... I think this may be a little simplistic, which is a surprise coming from you. You call love equal parts happiness and sorrow, but that's not right - love brings with it a mixture of good and bad, sure, but the bad doesn't have to be that bad. A very small amount of sacrifice is all that's necessary to keep any worth-it relationship afloat - it's just that most people don't want to give up anything at all. The value of marriage is something altogether different from what you're describing - it's being able to experience life with another that complements you, to see life pass by through two sets of eyes and hearts, to experience the good and the bad that life throws as more than yourself. That may bring with it companionship, passion, and/or romantic love, but not all of these are necessary, though you'd be lucky to find all three.
And letting down others and being let down is a part of this? Only when you have set unrealistic expectations for yourself and for those you're with. And if that's what you're doing, aren't you the problem? Wouldn't accepting that we're all human, that mistakes are simply a fact of life, prevent that from ever happening?
What you're describing isn't justice - it's some dark, twisted revenge where no one benefits, including you, as if inflicting pain on the happy future of another somehow strikes out at the world for dealing you blow after blow. That's not a way to live.
dude, that's some dark stuff you wrote there! Hope you're doing well.
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